Posts filed under 'Uncategorized'
Why do I make the choices I make?
Okay, so thinking about myself and what’s wrong with my situation, means I have to take a closer look at myself and figure out what’s up. I know it’s not all them, even though I would like to think it is. They say our lives are molded in our childhood and although I had a nice one, there are always things that have followed me through my life from it. Now, I’m not blaming anyone, not my parents, siblings or anyone who had an influence on me. What I am trying to do, is understand the choices that I make now and why I make them. I think it’s bullshit when people blame their past for their present lives. We all have choices and free will and you can decide what to do with your life. So now I’m just trying to work through my life and that involves revisiting my past.
I grew up as the youngest of 3 girls with my mom and dad. My dad was from the south and grew up very poor. Basically, he started picking cotton when he was four and my grandma had a lot of kids to raise and her siblings included, so there wasn’t a lot of time to parent. There was only time to make sure they survived, so different skill sets that could be passed down to their kids weren’t. What is weird about that, is my dad always told me he loved me and was very affectionate. so at least that got passed along!
My dad also had a bad habit of taking things away when he got mad. He would take my car, privileges, he once took the door off the hinges of my sister’s bedroom because she wouldn’t clean it. (she lives with me now, and I understand his frustration! I want to take her door off sometimes too!) His worst habit of native american giving though, was he would take his love away. When he got mad, he wouldn’t talk to me or acknowledge I was alive. We got in a fight when I was in college, and he didn’t talk to me for 3 months. That type of behavior has had a very big effect in how I deal with men.
I am truly a no strings attached gal. If you give me something, don’t try and take it back, or I will probably be done with you. I’ve become very self sufficient also because of that fear of having things (including love) taken from me. It probably has a part in my fear of commitment too. I tend to not get too close to someone in case they aren’t going to be there. I also have a bad habit of remaining detached from someone, just in case I know it’s not going to work. I give up very easy if it seems like it’s going to be a challenge. All very bad habits I’m trying to change, but it’s hard.
That’s why I’ve done so much vacation dating in the past. It keeps me from fully committing myself, my time and my life. It’s not like I want to do that, it’s just what feels comfortable for me. I keep thinking if I find the right guy, it will change all that. I think though, I need to change me first in order to let that happen. It probably is also a reason I don’t have a desire to go out very much, because then I won’t have the ability to meet someone! So here I am bitching about being single and I’m a part of the problem! Oh well, as I said, therapy is expensive, so maybe talking about it will help me figure it out. I’m a smart girl, just need to work on it!
Add comment April 13, 2009
Holidating
So, here it is, Easter and once again I don’t have a significant other to hang with. My kids are with their dad for the day, so no big Easter egg hunt going on. I feel very lucky though, my sister and I will find someplace to eat and then I’ll do one of my fav things, watch the Masters! Yeah!
What is it about holidays that is so upsetting if we don’t have someone special in our lives?? I remember back two Thanksgivings ago, I was alone, no kids, no family here and I went to a grocery that prepared holiday meals. I bought two of them to save myself the pitying look the check out person would give me by just buying one. You know that look, they tilt their head and kind of sigh as to say, “poor girl, she has no one.” I want to say back, “you’re right bitch, I don’t so just ring it up!” At least when I bought two, I got leftovers, so BONUS!
Why do we feel like such losers when we don’t have someone on holidays?? Why do we want to holidate so much?? Is it the gifts involved (hopefully and I do love gifts)? Is it the thought that someone who is holidating is much more of a person than one who isn’t? They try to be smug about it, have you ever noticed? Sometimes the girl will cling to the guy like she thinks I’m gonna rip him outta her arms. Please, ain’t gonna happen baby.
A very smart women (who I want to be like when I grow up, thanks Gaye) told me last Valentines day that she celebrates it as a day of love for everyone. I LOVED THAT!!! So it doesn’t matter if you’re with someone special, or your kids, family or friends, celebrate the love you feel for them! If you’re alone, do whatever YOU want to do that day! Thanksgiving was kinda nice not having to cook, clean and stress all day. Now, not sure if I will have that same attitude on my bday, but I’m working on it! Some day I will be holidating, but until then, it’s okay to hang with your peeps. Big Holidating hugs to all!
Add comment April 12, 2009
When SHE is just not that into you….
Well, we have all probably seen the movie or read the book, ”He’s just not that into you”. I loved both, but it made me think of my own little quirks when I know I’m just not into the guy. I think for me, besides the not texting, or calling a lot, it has to do with how much I want to change him or really, his appearance.
Now, I’m not looking for Mr. Perfect, I’m looking for Mr. Perfect for me! I know nobody is going to have 100% of the things I want, so basically I’m shooting for 80%. (i am an ambitious gal for goodness sake!) I figure I can live the other 20% or change it to what I want!
I have a bad habit my sister says of wanting to change the guys name if I don’t like it. One time, I was at a bar in Scottsdale and this guy was flirting with me and I didn’t like his name (no, i don’t remember what his real name was, i was drunky at the time!) so I called him Alex all night! He kept telling me his name wasn’t Alex, and I told him, “it is for the night!”
I also am not a fan of how some guys dress, or their choices in undergarments. I’m a boxer or boxer brief or a commando kinda gal. I hate ‘kini underwear unless you are David Beckham, or under the age of 4, or an Olympic swimmer. Men shouldn’t wear them, they don’t look good, sorry, but a lot of us women feel that way. Sometimes, I don’t like their shoes, or jeans or shirts. I think a guy is really sexy in cargo shorts, flip flops, and a nice tee. Jeans, tee shirt and flip flops do it for me too! If they want to dress up, they can, but I live in Scottsdale and we are pretty casual here.
So, the part when I’m not into the guy???? Well, if he is wearing the stuff I don’t like and I don’t try to change it, proly means I’m just not that into him. I dated a guy once, and was fake engaged, (ok, my friends say I was engaged, but I never said yes, I just wore the ring for 9 months. It was really pretty and shiny and sparkly and sometimes I’m easily distracted like right now while i’m talking bout it!) I dated him for quite some time, and he wore ‘kini undies and I never once tried to change it. Which means to me, looking back, that I knew I wasn’t in it for the long haul because I would have changed it! I would never live with a guy that wears that shit! I’m sure he would have changed it if I asked, but it wasn’t worth the effort to me! Women love to change their guys clothes, it’s like dressing up our own personal doll AND we get to shop! Bonus!!!! Cause maybe we can get some new clothes too! If your gal aint changing something about you, your hair, clothes, home, something at least, is she that into you?? I don’t know, maybe you are Mr. Perfect! Thoughts about this??
© How Am I Still Single, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to How am I still single? with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
2 comments April 8, 2009
Can you be too green in dating? (recycling men/women)
Well, everyone is using the buzz term “green” for everything! There are green hair products, housing, cars, and almost everything else we use or do.
What about when it comes to dating? I’ve been known to recycle in the past and it hasn’t worked out great for me. Recycling guys, or girls for that matter, means you break up with them, then after some time passes, you start to date them again. I used to do this a lot. I would date someone for a while and for some reason break up (proly had to do with vacation dating!) and as time goes on, you tend to forget about the stuff that drove you crazy in the first place. They become (in your eyes at least) the man of your dreams again! Life is good, the blue birds are singing over your head again and then BAM! It hits you over the head!
There is a reason you stopped dating this person before and it really doesn’t go away, it just hides for a while. I think the reason we go back to the same person, is we are comfortable with them and let’s face it, dating kinda sucks. So why not recycle the love we felt before? It’s easy, simple and you probably have clothes left at their house from before! But can the love really be recycled??
I don’t think in the long run it works too often. Not gonna say it never works, but the old shit is still there, just under a shiny coat of green paint. Once the paint gets dinged a few times and starts peeling off, the relationship starts to shred. I remember thinking one time as the bloom was off the rose for the third time, “oh yeah, I remember why I don’t want to date you, because the sound you make while washing your ass in the shower make me want to put daggers in my ears!” I truly think I needed therapy after that one, don’t get me started on how he put his ‘kini underoos on. Ugh. I digress.
If it didn’t work before, why the hell do we think we can make it work again?? I once spent 3 and one half years recycling a guy. We actually only dated about 8 months of that time and just fucked with each others brains the rest of it. What a waste of time it became looking back on it. Is recycling that actually succeds an urban legend? Can it work? It never has for me and I don’t recall it working for someone else, but maybe I’m wrong? Thoughts?
© How am I still single, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to How am I still single with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
2 comments April 4, 2009
Vacation Dating…
Okay, so some call it long distance relationships, I sometimes think it should be called vacation dating. When your on vacation, everything is SUPER! You don’t fight, you just want to make love all day, heck there are even people to make you food! Then sometimes, the weather turns bad and you’re stuck in the stinkin room and there is nothing to do except look at each other and start to pick. Or even worse, get drunky and let them know exactly what’s been festering in your little noggin since the last visit. At that point, it becomes a LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP! (personally, I like to call it vacation dating, has a much friendlier vibe to it!)
It seems since my divorce many moons ago, I keep getting involved in long distance dating. Now when I first got divorced, I really wanted to date someone far away from me. That way, when I got tired of them, they went home! I’ve also always had commitment issues, so it was perfect for me! (when i finally hung pictures on the walls of my home after living here 6 years, my daughter was so proud! yes, I have commitment issues on homes too, what if i have to move, then i need to repaint!)
The first guy was from Chicago, but didn’t like preforming oral on me, loved it on him though! That was a good enough reason to break up with him. Next up was a guy here in Arizona, but he was WAY to into me and I found his obsessiveness and possessiveness irritating. There was a guy in Indiana. I really loved him, but he had kids in Indy and HELLO! It’s Indiana, I aint moving there! So that was a bummer for me, then there was a guy in Calgary. He was really fun to date, but was more interested in partying than he was in me.
I’m now starting to wonder if I’m capable of dating a guy that lives here. It would be nice sometimes, I mean, I would love to cook dinner and call him up to come over, and there is the benefit of having sex with a real live person and not a vibrator that is appealing. When someone lives near you, you also get to see the good, the bad and the ugly which is beneficial in determining if you really want to be with them. When you vaca date, you always see way more positive than negative.
I remember being married and thinking, I wish he would go on a business trip and leave me alone for a few days so I won’t have to smother him with this pillow. When I talk to my coupled friends, they always talk about how great it is when they get to be alone.
So, are long distance relationships such a bad thing??? And how far is too far? I would rather get on a plane and fly somewhere than drive an hour from my house. (I know, that last statement proly means I’m really fucked up.) Vaca dating can be bad when you have no desire to visit the place they live, because if you don’t want to vacation there, you aint gonna want to live there. I get to live in Arizona, it’s pretty awesome here and when the weather is nice, I don’t want to leave! Now, come August, I’m going to want to get outta here. (note to self, find someone to date that lives in a cool, fun place soon) The sex is usually great because you both have (hopefully) been getting horny since you were last together. You usually never fight, because why would you waste your time fighting, when you can be in bed?? Downsides are if you don’t see each in a short amount of time, you do start arguing about everything, insecurities can flare up and/or you may get bored.
SO, what are the parameters to make this thing work? How long is too long between visits? How much contact do you have to have during the time apart? Do you text, email, phone? I find that women want more contact, and men less. (Except the guy in Indy, he wanted to talk all the time and probably why I was in love with him. Remember the part that women want more contact?) How do you keep it going, and when do you pull the plug? Wish I knew the answers, maybe you do?
© How am I still single, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to How am I still single with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
2 comments April 3, 2009
Are men becoming obsolete???
Okay, seriously, do women need men? I mean, I know we want them (at least occasionally), but how much do we need them? I wonder why I don’t have one, but when I sit down and talk with my friends I think, hmmmmmmm.
Let’s start with the basics. I have a career and make my own money, so financially I’m okay. I have my sister living with me and since she is my bestie, we spend a lot of time drinking wine, laughing and watching reality TV. (reality TV is also hard to watch with a man because they think it’s stupid) I have a great dog who greats me when I get home from work and is always happy to see me and give me love. I’ve already given birth and am not doing that again, so I don’t need a guy for procreation. Sex would be great, but since I don’t sleep around, I keep a well stocked toy box. Wouldn’t it be great to combine a Mr. Wonderful doll and a vibrator! That way it could tell you how pretty you are when you’re done! (gotta get to work on that invention) I have a home warranty, so when stuff breaks, I call them and they fix it. WTF!!
Is this what is wrong with me? Maybe I don’t want a guy enough. If someone moved in with me, I would have to share my closet, which isn’t big enough for my shoes right now! I think this is why a lot of girls have long distance relationships. Be with them sometimes, and then you get your life back! Now, please don’t get me wrong! If the right guy falls in my lap I’m probably not gonna kick him out, but I’ve got a pretty terrific life right now.
Last night my girlfriends and I went out for happy hour and a guy came up to us and noticed 4 of the 5 were single. He wanted to know what was wrong with us! He said we are probably too picky and that’s why we are alone. But, if you have a great life going, I think we’ve earned the right to be picky. We are smart, pretty, accomplished women who don’t want to settle and aren’t going to! And why did he think there was something wrong with us?? Maybe it’s the guys that are the problem. Hmmmm, I guess that’s for another blog. And you????
2 comments March 13, 2009
Boy chase Girl (or not!)
2 comments March 5, 2009
Is strength a weakness?
So, when do we know that our strengths become our weaknesses? I am a very strong woman, with a strong personality, but sometimes I feel it gets in my way. I didn’t start out this way, but through the last nine years, it’s been developing. I think when you’re a single mom and responsible for everything financial and emotional, you either sink or swim. Sinking isn’t an option for me, so somewhere along the line, I turned into Michael Phelps (without the bong)! Do men really want a strong woman, or do they need someone who needs them? I’ve always taught my daughter to stand on her own feet and don’t depend on a man. Is that going to be detrimental to her? I think a woman should always have her own fu money in case she needs it and can support herself and her kids. But in terms of finding a relationship, am I supposed to be needy? I know men like to fix things for girls and be the strong one in a relationship, but it’s really hard to let them do that. I grew up with a dad who was very strong, but who also took things away when he was angry with us. I guess I’ve learned to get things for myself and not depend on someone so they don’t have the opportunity to take it. So the question is, at what point does my strength become my weakness?
2 comments February 24, 2009
Hello Everyone!
How Am I Still Single?? There are so many pretty, smart, funny, fun, successful women in the world and when it comes to relationships, they fall flat on their asses. So, I’m trying to figure out why with your help. WTF, guys, what’s wrong with this world????? Have fun here and talk to me!
©How am I still single, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to How am I still single with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
3 comments February 13, 2009
