Archive for June, 2009
Some people are just a hot mess….
I was talking to a friend the other day (hope I get all of the story right!) and she was telling me about this guy she was dating. Well, she wasn’t really calling it dating, apparently he didn’t want to “label” anything. WTF?????? No labels as to boyfriend/girlfriend, friends with benefits, dating, nothing at all. My friend was okay with that because she has a really busy life and is okay by herself. So, he’s over at her house, I assume they have sex and he tells her he’s really tired and needs to go home. He also tells her that he thinks they should have an exclusive relationship to my friends surprise.
The next day, she gets a phone call at her work on her cell and it’s some crazy bitch screaming at her for dating her boyfriend! Now, my friend has no idea who this person is, or that the label guy has a girlfriend so she tries to get some info from this yelly girl. Turns out, the guy left her house, went to this other girls house and slept with her too.
Say it with me friends, EWWWWW!!!!!!! I was so grossed out by that, at least my friend was on the front end of that. Come to think of it, why would yelly girl be so proud of the fact that her “man” did it with my friend and then with her??? What a skank. Back to the story. When the chick calms down, she said that they had actually broke up last December and both were upset that night for no apparent reason and decided to console each other with sex. He was crying, she was crying, and my friend was just grossed out. She told yelly girl to take him, have him, because she had no desire to catch any cooties someone might have.
Why yelly girl would want a man like this is beyond me, maybe she should read my me, myself and I post!!! The guy now calls my friend and tells her that he’s sorry and still wants to see her. WTF dude! She was so done with him as she should be! She has no desire to be part of a Jerry Springer fest and I admire her for that! Some women (yelly girl) will take anything from anyone and consider themselves lucky to have it. Smart women say get the f out of my life and move on. Very proud of my friend!
1 comment June 30, 2009
Want to be wanted?
This post references back to Dr. Mike’s comment on the Need to be Needed post. I found it interesting that he included that we need to be wanted by the opposite sex, unless you swing the other way, then you would need to be wanted by your own sex. So, why I found this so interesting, is that it’s very true! It’s like if your friends are having a party, and you have no desire to go to it, you still want to be invited!
It’s always nice to be wanted, admired and such. I think that is why a lot of people are on Match and other dating sites. You don’t necessarily want to date, but you want to be wanted. It’s nice to know the opposite sex finds you attractive, that’s one of the reasons flirting is so much fun.
I find flirting to normally be a harmless practise that lets us know we are still desirable. I mean, come on, as a girl and even if you have a special someone, it’s nice to go out with friends and have people think you’re attractive! I know I like it! So the question in life (at least today), need to be needed, or want to be wanted. Kinda like at Christmas, my mom would say, do you need it or just want it?? Well, usually, unless it was really special, I just wanted it. I could certainly live without it, but it would be a lot of fun to have it! Now, how does that related to the dating world.
Well, I think a lot of us may be just fine by ourselves, but it is so wonderful to feel wanted. Whether that means a smile in your direction, a note on an online dating site, or someone coming up to you and telling you how pretty you look today. We all need validation that we are desirable as people and maybe that’s enough for this moment.
I know I”m a vain person (shock to those of you who know me right??) and I am the first to admit I need this want. If I don’t get enough attention from the one I’m with, I look for it elsewhere. Not saying I cheat if I’m in a relationship, but I love even when my friends or kids tell me I look pretty. Most of the time, I like to look nice just for myself, but I do like the attention also. So, I guess I’m a conundrum again. I don’t exactly want to be needed, but I need to be wanted. Make sense? It does to me! Gee, I feel like I just figured out another piece of the puzzle that’s me! Thanks Mike!
1 comment June 29, 2009
Need to be needed
Well, in talking with some new found friends yesterday, we started discussing the dynamics of the male/female relationship. There was a man’s point of view given and what he basically said, it that over the history of time, men have always been the providers for the women. In recent times, women have gained a lot of independence financially and emotionally and don’t need men as much to provide for us.
I’m a very independent girl and have had to find ways to support myself and my kids since my divorce. I don’t like the thought of someone taking things away from me, so I probably throw my independence in their faces too much. Men need to be needed. So how am I supposed to show that I need them when the truth is, I can do it on my own.
One of my clients suggested I fake my dependence and ask for help. I’m not so good at that though! I can’t even get the words outta my mouth without laughing. Should I not tell guys that I’m okay without them??
Truth be told, I would love to have someone to help me, but my fears keep me from letting that happen. So, I tend to put on a big front on how self sufficient I am and it can drive a guy away. My male friends advise was to find a guy who is okay and secure with my independence. Let me tell you, those guys are really hard to find! They must have the best hidey holes ever! hahahahahah! So I guess my choices are to find one of those guys, or seem more dependent. The second choice is definitely easier to try, but I’m really not sure how good I’ll be. Do I not tell them about my successes at work? Do I let them think that I’m not all that and a bag of chips?? Actually, I know I’m not a bag of chips, but do I down play my self and my achievements??
HELP! (actually the help is just practising!) It is a dilemma. There is a fine line between needing someone and letting them think you need them. Maybe I should just back down and talk more about the weather and kids. Jeez, this is a lot of brain effort. My goal is to find a great man for me, who will let me have my independence and still feel that I need him. Maybe I should hide a little of my light under my bushel basket or at least let him fix stuff around my house. That’s what I really need! Someone who is handy and can redo my bathrooms and pool. Know anybody like that?? Kisses!
2 comments June 25, 2009
Me, Myself and I
My sister dated this guy back in our home state and when she moved out here, broke it off. They had a really great relationship (most of the time!) but long distance didn’t really work for them mostly because the guy can’t be by himself even for a short period of time. There are people out there, men and women, who don’t know how to go it alone.
I remember when I first got divorced, I didn’t have many single friends here to go out with. So, I forced myself to go out by myself. Was it a lot of fun? Sometimes it was, because I got to observe a lot of human interaction around me without having to make sure who ever I was with was having a good time. I went to the movies by myself (easy), dinner by myself (harder), and even out the nightclubs by myself (hardest). The alternative was staying home and I knew I didn’t want to do that all the time.
I’ve had a lot of time in between relationships where I haven’t dated for months and I really think it allowed me to grow as a person.
Some people though, don’t have the ability to do that. My sisters guy friend back home is one of the worst at this. He will go back to a women who is treating him like shit just so he doesn’t have to sleep alone. I find it to be a very destructive behavior. I’ve had girlfriends like that too and when they ask myopinion of what they should do, and I tell them to spend some time by themselves, they go right back to a guy just so they don’t have to be alone! WTF! It makes me not want to give them advise because they don’t freaking listen!
Now, I am on a journey to figuring out why I’m still single. I’m certainly not perfect and I do play a role in this. I would like to think it’s all the guys fault, but I know it’s not. I have some bad dating habits, but I absolutely do have the ability to be by myself. I think it’s an important component to a healthy life. We never know what life has in store for us, so we better love our own company just in case it’s all we have! Maybe I’ve been alone too long though and don’t crave the company of another? Hmmmmm, makes me think!
3 comments June 20, 2009
Textationships?
Well, one of my girlfriends (these are friends that are girls, not anything else, get your minds outta the gutter) was talking to me about something she calls textationships. Textationships are relationships (sorta) that only involve texting or maybe some other social media. Is it really a relationship when it only involves technology?? There are some people that think so! I remember way back when being on match and just emailing someone, or texting someone and them thinking it was something more than words. They never made an effort to meet me, but they thought there was something there because they typed some letters into a device and hit send.
Has it just become a sign of the times? Texting is a great way to keep in touch with your peeps, but it doesn’t replace the human touch. I have fought via texting, let someone know how much I love them via texting, broken up via texting, not got married (hahahahah) via texting and pretty much done everything including grounding my kids via texting.
BUT, IT IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP IF IT ONLY INVOLVES TEXTING! Sorry to get so yelly, but to my girlfriend who’s guy friend is thinking it’s a relationship, IT”S NOT!!!! I think sometimes guys use texting to keep them in our minds. Have you ever noticed when you (a girl), starts liking a new guy somehow you start getting texts from previous guys? It’s like they can smell some other guy trying to pee on you. Not literally giving you a golden shower, but trying to “leave their mark on you”. They know there may be male competition coming into the picture, so they want to let you know they are still out there. Now, it doesn’t mean that they are going to ask you out or anything, they just want to ”mind f#&k” you a little. Maybe some guy will finally break the mancode and tell me how guys know this about you?? How the heck do they know when you like someone else and about to delete their number from your cell phone?
Okay, back to the subject at hand. How do you decipher what is a relationship and what is just texting because they or you are bored or lonely? Well, if you aren’t having any human interaction that involves being in the same space at the same time with that person, they/you are bored and or lonely. In order to have a relationship, you need that human contact, touch, whatever to be called a relationhip. Even if it’s only a friendship. If it only involves technology, an automated reply message will have the same effect.
Add comment June 19, 2009
Do we really need a knight??
Well, chatting with some new friends about why some of us are still single, and we started to discuss the “rescue” mentality. There are a lot of men out there who like to control every situation and also love to rescue the damsel in distress. There are also a lot of women who love to be rescued and don’t mind giving up control to be taken care of.
Then there is me. HAHAHAHAHAHAH! I really don’t like being controlled by anyone and it is one of the reasons I’m still single. I had a great dad who was incredibly controlling and when I got old enough that I didn’t need him to pay for college or buy me things, I really started to butt heads with him. He used to use his money to control me and as a young woman, I let him, but I resented it.
After my divorce, the first man I had a long term relationship with was very controlling too. He wanted me to quit my job and let him take care of me. I’m not saying that is a bad thing, but when my dad would do it and I didn’t behave the way he liked, he took things away. I still have that mind set with me. I really hate Native American Taker Backers other wise known as Indian Givers.
If you are going to give something to someone, there should be no strings attached. End of story. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works with a lot of guys. I found myself yelling at my boyfriend (a few times a day), “you are so not the boss of me!” That’s when I really knew how much I disliked being controlled. I would rather make my own money (of course it was less than he made) than have someone tell me what to say, how to behave, and what to do.
I’ve met guys in the past who have tried to get me to give up everything and let them take over. Now, the tired single mom in me sometimes fantasizes how lovely that would be to hang with my kids and go on a lot of vacations. Then the stubborn girl comes out in me and says, well if you buy me a car and you get pissed, it’s really your car, not mine and you can ground me from it if you want. Like I said, it’s fine for some women, but I want my daughter to always be able to depend on herself because you never know what life brings you. I will never put myself in a position where a man has total control over my life, even if it means I’m always going to be single.
Add comment June 18, 2009
It’s not you it’s ME!!!! (yea, right)
How many of us have been broken up with the old excuse, “It’s not you, it’s me! Well, it really is you, but I don’t want to feel like an ass so I’m going to blame myself.” I have talked to soooo many women that have heard this.
It may be the guy, but more than likely, you both are in a different place in life, or he just doesn’t like you that much. It’s not anything you do, but maybe he wants a commitment now and you can’t do it, or you aren’t compatible in a lot of ways. Men tend to want what they want and when they want it. Not blaming them, I like that also, but as a single woman and mom, I have a lot of priorities that keep me from jumping through hoops.
One priority is me (don’t I sound like a guy??). I love my life and have worked very hard to get where I am and I’m not about to ditch it for a supposedly idyllic life which is dependent on another person approving of what I do and who I am. I know I’m not the right person for every man, but every man is also not the right person for me!
People tell me I intimidate men, I don’t really think I do, but I do have very strong opinions of myself and my wants and if that’s scary, then deal with it. I sometimes feel like a guy trapped in a girl suit. They (women) tell me to be softer and more gentle, but then I have the opportunity to be funny and loud and there I go!
So back to the it’s not you thing. A friend of mine recently went out with this guy and basically on the first date, he was proposing marriage! Now, who the hell is going to do that?? Maybe someone who is financially in dire straights, or emotionally needy. My friend is smart and pretty and basically the “how am I still single” person, and I told her she would be nuts to sell her home and move in with him. Could I be wrong? Abso-f-in-lutely. But, if something it right, won’t it be right 6 months from now?
As much as I admire people for going with their hearts, where does the head come in?? I am talking bout the one on the shoulders BTW! When someone tells you it’s not you, consider yourself grateful and God was watching over you. It may sting for a minute as all rejection does, but it’s just like a band aid, a little ouchy, but fast. And it gives you more opportunities to find your Mr. Right.
Add comment June 14, 2009
Technology breeds insecurity.
In the world of dating, there are many new additions that we didn’t have years ago that add deception and angst, and insecurity into relationships. We now have the lovely world of online dating, text messaging, social networking (twitter, facebook, myspace) and also computers with ichat, and email. What is happening, is we have too much info and media availability and it breeds insecurities.
Let’s start with online dating. Online dating is a great way to meet people especially if you don’t have a lot of opportunity at work and stuff. But once you’ve met someone, and made a connection, then what do you do with your profile?? Some people take them down right away, then they put them back up making you think they aren’t into you. It’s almost better if they had never hid them in the first place. Sometimes, it’s used as a game to mess with the other person. We don’t want them to think we are that into them, so we keep our profile open even though we aren’t communicating with other people, we want them to think we may be. It’s just a mind fuck. Those profiles are really a way to make a person insecure even in the beginning of the dating/mating process.
Let’s go on to texting. It’s a great way to keep in touch with others, but when you’re with your someone special, and they keep getting texts, it makes you think they are cheating. I have known people who have actually gone into their “significant’s” phones and read their texts! I always tell them it’s a bad idea, and they proly aren’t gonna like what they find, but the curiosity is overwhelming. I think we have all been cheated on in the past and that is what drives the insecurity. We want to know that they aren’t cheating, but we don’t trust them enough not to look.
Email and ichat is another huge insecurity builder. I found and ex emailing another women while we were in a relationship. (notice the ex part, homey don’t play that game!) He claimed it was a coworker, but I found out differently later. And from that moment on, everytime he was at the computer, or texting, I had doubts.
Too much information is damaging to our relationships. If we could throw away the computers, cell phones, crackberries and such, I think we would be better off. In the olden days (you know, 15 years ago), it was much easier to feel comfortable in your relationship. Now, I know I’m not getting rid of anything, I am permanently attached to my phone, but it was so much easier on the mind when they weren’t available. What role does technology play in the break up game?
Add comment June 13, 2009
Timing is everything
How many times have you met the perfect person for you and everything clicks except the timing. This has happened to me so many times that I wonder if it’s the most important part of finding that someone. It certainly does create a lot of pain. I mean, you’ve met the perfect someone, you are having a great time getting to know each other, the chemistry is there and then the bomb is dropped.
Maybe they live out of state and neither one of you can move and because you have kids, it’s going to be a while. Maybe they just are starting to get a divorce or are newly divorced and they haven’t dealt with all the emotionally shit they need too. Whatever the issue at hand is, timing is critical when developing a relationship. We all think we can make it work for us, but the truth seems to be that timing stops for no one.
I go through my past relationships and they all have a few things in common. Kids, long distance, and with one a marriage. Now, I didn’t know the guy was married, he lied to me and told me he had been divorced a year and by the time I was told the truth, I was in love with him. He also had small kids and lived across the country from me. Everything was perfect except for those things and eventually, those things did us in. He did get divorced btw, but broke my heart a few times along the way. I wasn’t going to leave my kids to live in his state and he couldn’t do that as well.
Another man I have loved in the past lives in another state and has little ones too. (sense a theme here??) He’s wonderful in every sense of the word, but again, distance and kids prevent the timing.
A friend of mine recently got married to a man she hadn’t known for very long. She told me that it just felt right and she was just going to go with it. I don’t seem to be able to be that free.
I like to know how things will work out and yes, I like to have control. I wonder if I could let go of that control and put it in someone else’s hands, would it work out? My fear of losing that control and giving it to another that might not take good care of it keeps me standing still.
I always wonder how I’m still single, but as I continue to write, I find insight into myself and start to answer my own questions. Maybe I need to learn to trust and just be. That’s a really hard one to learn when you’ve been burned in the past though. It’s like crowd surfing, are they going to catch you or let you fall???
3 comments June 1, 2009
